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My First Time Trying Polyamory
I was terrified when I asked him. Terrified he would say no, that he wouldn’t think of me the same way as he always had, that he would think he wasn’t enough for me. But it was never about him being enough. It was never that I wasn’t satisfied with him; it was that somewhere along the line, I’d started to wonder if love had to be defined by possession.
When I asked him what it would looked like if we let ourselves fall in love with other people, too, he didn’t throw me out. He cocked his head, poured us some wine, and listened.
And then, I met her.
She was hard where I was soft, straight lines where I was curved, quick to smile where I hid my laughter behind my hands. She was intoxicating. What I have with him is slow and steady and gorgeous and intimate. With her, it is intense and overwhelming; it is fire.
She presses her fingers into the spots on my thighs that hishipbones have left sore, and he quirks his mouth when he sees her aftermath and deliberately asks me to sit on the Vibepad he lays out on the bed because he knows her teeth have scraped me raw exactly where it will touch me.
I was so worried that he would feel like less. That we would be jealous. And it’s not that there isn’t any jealousy—we are human. But I know, when he tells me about his new girlfriend over lunch, that it isn’t about my being inadequate. Because no lover I’ve ever taken has been to fill his inadequacy either. It is about our decision to create a love that doesn’t require ownership. To let both of us experience everything the world has to offer. I give myself fully to my partners in the same way a person gives themselves fully to all of their children or all of their friends. I love my partners differently, and so does he, but I’ve discovered that magically, it never takes from the love we have for each other. I’ve never known trust and honesty like I have in polyamory. And my mouth has never been so swollen, my collarbones so teeth-red, my heart so blissfully wild, my life so perfectly, exquisitely full.